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Divorce is generally a stressful and unsettling event. At minimum, a major relationship is ending, all sorts of routines are upset, and during the stress of transition there are legal hoops to jump through before things can be resolved. Add in the volatile emotions that are frequently associated with divorce and you have a difficult situation indeed.
Divorce can trigger all sorts of unsettling, uncomfortable and frightening feelings, thoughts and emotions, including grief, loneliness, depression, despair, guilt, frustration, anxiety, anger, and devastation, to name a few. There is frequently sadness and grief at the thought of the end of a significant relationship. There can be fear of being single again, possibly for a long time (or even forever), and with having to cope with changed financial, living and social circumstances. There can be anger at a partner's stubborn obstinacy and pettiness, abuse, or outright betrayal. There can be guilt over perceived failures to have made the relationship work. There can be overwhelming depression at the thought of the seeming impossibility of being able to cope with all the changes that are required. Any and all these emotions are enough to make people miserable, and to find them wanting to cry at 3am in the morning.
Painful as they are, these sorts of emotions are generally natural grief-related reactions to a very difficult life-altering situation. Though there is no 'cure' for these feelings, there are some good and healthy ways to cope with them to suffer as little as possible, and to gain in wisdom, compassion and strength from having gone through the experience. The emotional coping process starts with allowing one's self the freedom to grieve and ends with moving on with one's life.
Grief is a natural human reaction to loss. Grief is not a simple emotion itself, but rather is an instinctual emotional process that can invoke all sorts of emotional reactions as it runs its course.
Fighting grief is often counterproductive. Most of the time it is best to allow yourself to grieve in the ways that come naturally to you, at least part of the time. Eventually life comes back to 'normal' and the intensity of loss retreats. Different people take different amounts of time to go through their grief process and express their grief with different intensities of emotion. The amount of time people spend grieving depends on their personalities, and on the nature of their losses.
Contact me to help work through your separation or divorce - email@example.com or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
Going through a separation or divorce can be very difficult, no matter the reason for it. It can turn your world upside down and make it hard to get through the workday and stay productive. But there are things you can do to get through this difficult adjustment.
Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a while. Take time to heal, regroup and re-energize.
Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.
Take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Be good to yourself and to your body. Take time out to exercise, eat well and relax. Keep to your normal routines as much as possible. Try to avoid making major decisions or changes in life plans. Don’t use alcohol, drugs or cigarettes to cope; they only lead to more problems.
Avoid power struggles and arguments with your former spouse. If a discussion begins to turn into a fight, calmly suggest that you both try talking again later and either walk away or hang up the phone.
Take time to explore your interests. Reconnect with things you enjoy doing. Have you always wanted to take up painting or play on a sports team? Sign up for a class, invest time in your hobbies, volunteer, and take time to enjoy life and make new friends.
Think positively. Easier said than done, right? Things may not be the same, but finding new activities and friends, and moving forward with reasonable expectations will make this transition easier. Be flexible. Life will get back to normal, although “normal” may be different from what you had originally hoped.
Contact me to help work through your separation or divorce - firstname.lastname@example.org or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake.” - Francis Bacon Sr.
Isn’t it a shame?
You’ve studied and worked hard to get to where you are.
And you got that job.
But now, it just doesn’t feel right.
So how do you access your courage and do what you love?
Some things to think about:
Choose to live by design instead of by default
Take a step back and look at what kind of life you truly want to live. Does it look like the one you’re living today? Don’t settle for mediocrity or life by default.
Fear regret rather than failure
Failing means you tried and learned something. Regret, on the other hand, comes as a response to what hasn’t happened. It’s an ugly emotion that usually doesn’t show up until it’s already too late.
Let happiness be the key to success
Studies prove that happiness fuels success and performance, not the other way around. Creating a life around what makes you happy is the key to living a truly successful life.
Come back to the present moment
Worrying about the future doesn’t change anything; instead, it hinders you from making the best of this moment. Here and now is all we ever have. It’s the only place where we have control.
Trust that you have a gift to offer
You have something special only you can offer this world.
Connect with like-minded people
Connect with people that are on a similar journey to yours. Build a support network, in person and online.
Take risks for what you will gain long-term
Sometimes we need to take risks and make short-term sacrifices for what will serve us long-term.
Just think about this. Staying in an unfulfilling job means taking a greater risk since you already know it’s not what you want. So, you risk more by not taking risks.
Know that the timing is never right
The time will never come when all the conditions are right.
Trust that the path will unfold
What’s scary in following your dream is that the path is unclear. Stepping off the beaten path means that you can’t see a straight road in sight.
Make uncomfortable the new comfortable
When we want something we don’t have, we must do things we haven’t done before. And that means becoming uncomfortable.
Nurture faith, not fear.
Live by Choice Instead of Chance
Wouldn’t you rather live life by choice instead of chance? Wouldn’t you rather look back and know that you did everything you could to create the life you desire instead of wishing you’d had? Wouldn’t you rather take a chance on faith instead of fear?
Contact me to help you fly –email@example.com or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
Since we were kids we've heard, "Don't quit your job until you have a new one!" We've heard it a million times. We learned that you can't just walk off the job one day because you're sick of it or because something unpleasant happens at work.
When you can manage a stealth job search and walk into your boss' office to give notice knowing that you have another job to go to, it's a wonderful thing. Real life doesn't always work out that way, though.
Some people are so burnt out by their jobs that they aren't in shape to job-hunt. They don't have their feet under them. Their mojo is completely gone. It's hard enough to drag yourself into your workplace when you hate your job and hate yourself for being there.
You must listen to your body. Your body is smarter about these things than your mind is!
Think about the issues below related to your current job:
Your safety comes before any other priority. If it's not safe for you to be at your job, you must get out, even if it puts your finances in a terrible spot.
Your health is more important than the continuity of your career history. If your job is making you sick, physically or otherwise, you may have to quit the job before you're strong and collected enough to job-hunt effectively. Some toxic workplaces keep everybody in fear, all the time. You may need to quit the job, take a breather and start your job search later.
When your job is destroying your equilibrium, you may not be able to wait to quit until you have a solid, career-type job lined up. You may jump at anything that looks like a lifeline - or even a life preserver!
Don't let anybody, however well-meaning, tell you to "stick it out" at a job that is harmful to your health. Your body knows best. Mother Nature is in charge, not us! If you can launch a quiet job search and get a new job before you quit the old one, excellent! That's a magnificent plan. If you can't, then don't berate yourself. Your body knows what's best for you. If you need to quit the job you've got in order to remember who you are and take a little time to regroup, do that.
Discuss where you are in your job with me –firstname.lastname@example.org or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
Eating disorders are illnesses in which the people experience severe disturbances in their eating behaviours and related thoughts and emotions. People with eating disorders typically become pre-occupied with food and their body weight.
In many cases, eating disorders occur together with other psychiatric disorders like anxiety, panic, obsessive compulsive disorder and alcohol and drug abuse problems. New evidence suggests that heredity may play a part in why certain people develop eating disorders, but these disorders also afflict many people who have no prior family history.
Without treatment of both the emotional and physical symptoms of these disorders, malnutrition, heart problems and other potentially fatal conditions can result. Eating disturbances may include inadequate or excessive food intake which can ultimately damage an individual’s well-being. The most common forms of eating disorders include Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, and Binge Eating Disorder and affect both females and males.
Although these conditions are treatable, the symptoms and consequences can be detrimental and deadly if not addressed. Eating Disorders are complex disorders, influenced by a facet of factors. Though the exact cause of eating disorders is unknown, it is generally believed that a combination of biological, psychological, and/or environmental abnormalities contribute to the development of these illnesses.
Examples of biological factors include:
Examples of psychological factors include:
Examples of environmental factors that would contribute to the occurrence of eating disorders are:
A man or woman suffering from an eating disorder may reveal several signs and symptoms, some which are:
Contact me if you think you or a family member or friend is struggling with an eating disorder - email@example.com or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
Credit: www.eatingdisorderhope.com; www. psychiatry.org
Before batteries die, they get drained! Men are as vulnerable to stress as women are, but they are often less likely to recognise it or admit to it. We are socialised to believe that men must not cry, admit to stress, depression or anxiety and be strong all the time. This can often exacerbate levels or stress and prevent men from seeking help when it is needed.
We can think of stress in two ways: eustress, which can be thought of as helpful stress and distress, which can be thought of as unhelpful and damaging stress.
Men are not always good at recognising stress in them, and stress is clearly an individual experience. What one man finds stressful, another will not, and what can be stressful at one time may not cause stress during another time of your life.
Below are some of the physical signs and symptoms of stress experienced in men.
Remember that stress is an individual experience and that symptoms are too:
The psychological signs and symptoms of stress include:
The language of stress is largely borrowed from engineering in which we talk of stress, strain, tolerance, resilience, breaking points, flexibility, elasticity, etc. of materials. Stress is a protector in that it gives us a mechanism for dealing with threats. We have the ability to confront threats or avoid them; the so-called "fight or flight" mechanism.
Stress can be good as well as bad. Without some stress we would not get the adrenaline up to win races, solve problems, take exams and make important changes.
Stress, particularly long-term stress, can be a factor in the onset or worsening of ill health and a shortened lifespan. Stress management is essential to wellbeing and something we should practice every day.
Contact me on 084 779 4889 to help you develop a strategy to manage stress. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
There are many factors in our lives that can cause stress. Things like work deadlines, financial troubles, congested traffic, and arguments can cause stress.
Stress is a natural reaction. Stress can become a problem when these pressures become overwhelming, and in some cases, can be a precursor to anxiety disorders and depression.
Thankfully, stress is very manageable, and a little stress can even help you perform better. There are many ways to deal with stress, and simple techniques practiced frequently can really help.
The body deals with acute stress by releasing chemicals that tell the body that it is in danger, and therefore activates the flight or fight response. This response is a survival mechanism that prepares the body to face danger. Changes seen during this response include increased heart rate, rapid breathing, dry mouth and sweating. Long term exposure to stress, and the exposure of the body to high levels of hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline, can lead to increased vulnerability to illnesses, such as depression, obesity, heart disease, among others, and is not a healthy state to be in.
The symptoms of stress can vary between different individuals. The most common symptoms are:
These symptoms, in turn, affect how you deal with the events that cause stress, thereby worsening the stress.
You can learn to manage stress by using various techniques, such as monitoring and challenging the way you think about events, slow breathing, and solving your problems in a structured manner. In addition to this, exercising, cutting down on drug and alcohol use, and doing things you enjoy can help in coping with stress.
We all want to feel healthy and happy, but the reality of life is that there are good times and bad times. Everyone has ups and downs. Even though you may feel as if you are alone you are not. Many people struggle with stress daily, but things do change, and stressful times do pass.
You don’t have to do get through this by yourself. Help is only a phone call away. Contact me on 084 779 4889 or firstname.lastname@example.org. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
Managing Stress In a New Marriage
The word newly-weds is synonymous with a happy, joyful and pleasant couple. Where you and your partner are meant to be head over heels in love with one another and seen to be gliding through love. But with any relationship that requires human interaction, stresses will arise, internally and externally. Here is how newlyweds can navigate through stress:
Keeping Your Marriage Alive With the HELP of Counselling
Counselling can be very hard on a marriage; it can first expose the cracks and hidden truths about you or your partner and thus impact your daily lives before starting the healing and fulfilling process. While it is important and beneficial for couples to undergo therapy and to complete the cycle, it is important to not take your problems home, but rather practice the solutions at home. Here are solutions you can practice to keep your marriage alive while undergoing counselling:
• Feedback – Post a therapy session, both partners can be left feeling embarrassed, betrayed, shocked or disappointed. Instead of leaving the issues outside of the therapist’s door, why not unpack it at home once you have both calmed down. Take some time out to digest it separately and don’t go to bed without sharing your feedback to one another.
• 10 things I love about you – In the height of intense therapy sessions, jot down 10 things you love and appreciate about your partner and keep this list around you. In a time of doubt, go back to the list and it will keep you calm and remind you why you are working through your issues.
• Date night – Schedule a weekly date night and rotate who is in charge of the booking. At the date night, no phones or distractions allowed. No need to discuss pertinent issues from therapy, treat these evenings as casual dates to catch up each other.
• Engage other couples – Identify another couple whose energy you admire, a couple who is open about their journey and willing to be there for you in good times and bad. Check in often with this couple, even in good times to merely share experiences. Sometimes it takes an external viewpoint to help you appreciate what you have.
• Revisit the places where you first fell in love – Revisiting the places and people that evoked your love will warm your heart as you remember activities linked to that specific place. This should bring joy to the both of you and help lessen the tension.
• Laugh when you can - Nurturing your sense of humour can be another great asset in learning to embrace the ups and downs. Try saying something out of character to shake things up a bit. Because you share the same values and stand for the same things, perhaps the absurdity will help the situation.
Contact me to help work through your marital challenges - email@example.com or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
The month of love - a time for love letters, red roses, chocolates, and marriage proposals! But let’s remember marriage is more than just the wedding. Some ideas about marriage to discuss with your partner before crossing the threshold:
Marriage Is a Covenant, Not a Contract
Western societies make the individual’s happiness the ultimate value, and so marriage becomes primarily an experience of romantic fulfilment. Getting married these days is like having a relationship with your internet service provider. “As long as you keep providing the internet, I’ll keep paying.” Far too often we treat marriage the same - a formal contract based on happiness or some legal benefit.
A covenant however is not a legal contract that lays out terms, but a mutual understanding that regardless of performance, you’re still all in. It’s a love that understands that the essence of marriage is a sacrificial commitment to the good of the other. It unites not just duty and passion, but emotions and promise.
Marriage Will Intensify Your Problems, Not Fix Them
Marriage puts all your problems under a microscope and intensifies them. Once the mental switch of “forever” comes into the mix more flaws pop up - that’s the perfect storm.
Far too often we think by spending enough time with another person those inconsistencies and flaws will get smoothed out. But once you realise you might have to deal with them forever? It’s easy to get cynical, bitter, jaded, and angry. The person you marry at the altar that day will be the same person forty years from now, so don’t delude yourself. Sure, improvement is necessary for any relationship to thrive, but those flaws you’re ignoring and think you might change, or marriage will somehow fix – think again.
So, if you walk into a marriage thinking little things won’t become big things, or you don’t learn how to compromise and communicate, failure is around the corner and waiting.
Get Your Issues Together Before You Get Married, Because You’re Past Will Come Back to Haunt You
Learn about yourself. Grow. If you have issues plaguing you, then spend the time dealing with them - before getting married! The amount of conflict and grief you’ll save yourself will be worth the investment.
Premarital counselling is a form of therapy that is provided to couples to prepare them for marriage. This counselling plays a vital role in this preparation. It is provided with the aim of helping couples have strong and healthy relationships, thereby giving them a greater chance of enjoying a stable as well as satisfying marriage.
Getting premarital counselling is a great way for partners to enhance their ability to communicate and establish realistic expectations from one another. It’s also an excellent way to develop conflict-resolution skills.
Often, people get married believing that it will fulfil their emotional, financial, social, and sexual needs – and it does not turn out as they had expected.
When differences and expectations are discussed before marriage, the couple can develop ways to understand as well as support each other after they are married. Early intervention is crucial because the risk of divorce is normally at greatest early in marriage.
Benefits of Premarital Counselling:
You gain insight –When two people are in love, they often overlook those things that they ultimately have to face when married. Premarital counselling can shed light on these issues and help the couple solve them before it takes them by surprise.
You strengthen communication skills – Good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. Without communication, there’s nothing to hold the relationship together and help it function smoothly. Counselling is a great way to help couples strengthen their communication skills.
You understand each other’s major triggers – Identifying the “push buttons” you and your partner are most sensitive about is an important step toward avoiding and overcoming the personal triggers.
You identify potential conflicts – No two people believe or have completely similar ideas regarding life in general. It is important to identify any potential conflicts before they even occur.
You establish shared vision – To have a successful marriage, you need to have a a shared vision you and your partner both have expressed to each other. The vision is a conscious and deliberate way to create your relationship together towards your destination.
Too often couples get so tangled up in spending time planning the perfect wedding, that they fail to address issues that would serve as a foundation of their marriage later on. Yet, for many couples, pre-marital counselling is a positive, affirming and bonding experience that enhances their commitment to marry.
Contact me to help work through your personal challenges in your married or for pre-marital counselling – starting off on the right foot- firstname.lastname@example.org or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
Credit: heartsupport.com and spiral2grow.com
We are already in the middle of January – so how are you feeling? Everything is back in full swing – school has started, we are back at work, the traffic is hectic. Real life, I guess. So how do we cope and make the best of 2019?
While there are no easy or quick answers, here are some guidelines that may resonate with you.
Take a deep breath. It is easy for our fears to overwhelm us. Panic, fitful sleep and intense anxiety can escalate quickly. There is much research evidence as well as clinical best practices that underscore the importance of taking some long, deep, and diaphragmatic breaths to help calm us down and both help organise and centre us. While the popular suggestion, “don’t forget to breathe” seems a bit silly, it really is wise advice to pay close attention to your breath and be mindful that your breath can help you manage daily challenges. It is free, always available, easy and effective – try it!
Grow where you are planted. It is easy to be overcome with all the challenges of our nation and world. Know what you can’t change and what you can – and make a difference right where you are – your home, community, work - leave someone feeling better after an encounter with you. Be kind – to yourself and others.
Reflect on your own values. Regardless of what goes on around us and what we hear about in the media, we make daily choices about who we are and who we want to be. We can decide what values we hold near and dear to us and live them. Living a life of honesty, integrity, responsibility, concern for others inspires and motivates us to thrive in challenging environments.
Be thoughtful about media exposure. With the presence of 24/7 news as well as the influence of social media, it is easy to feel overwhelmed about the troubles of the world. Be thoughtful about too much media exposure. Spend time in nature away from computers and smartphones. Research suggests that too much screen time is bad for our mental health and time in nature, as well as with caring and supportive others, is good for our mental health too.
Becoming a mentally strong person takes practice and mindfulness. What happens to us plays far less a role in our happiness and success than our response to what happens to us.
To develop and maintain the kind of mental resilience that contributes to a healthy and happy life, daily attention must be given to our thoughts and behaviours.
Help keep yourself prepared for whatever comes your way tomorrow by practicing good habits of mind and attitude:
Contact me to help you build emotional resilience - email@example.com or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
Credit: inc.com: psychologytoday.com
I use a meaning and value based approach to help people conquer their problems, challenges, fears and obstacles for a happier and more fulfilled life.