Couples learn quickly before, during and after the wedding ceremony that marriage isn’t as easy as they thought. It requires hard work and commitment. After the blissful honeymoon-period, couples often realize that they are not as compatible as they previously thought. Or they encounter problems which they never thought would be an issue. Or the couple is unable to nurture their relationship due to things such as jobs and children consuming all their time. These difficulties are certainly not unusual and seeking the advice of a marriage counsellor may go a long way towards strengthening and even saving the marital relationship.
 
How Can Marriage Counselling Help Couples?
 
Marriage counselling is important for addressing marital concerns because:

• Counselling helps couples take time out of their busy lives and come together to really focus on themselves.

 

• The counsellor acts as a sort of mediator between the spouses and facilitates healthy and effective communication. It is particularly helpful where couples are set on improving their relationships but are not sure how to go about doing so.

 

• The counsellor can help to analyse the behavioural patterns of the spouses and identify those which lead to conflict. Once such patterns have been identified, the couple can, with the help of the counsellor, work on modifying them.

 

• Effective communication is one of the most important aspects of any marriage, however it is not uncommon for couples to reach an impasse and lose their ability to share their feelings and needs with one another.

 

• Counselling can give the couple tools to start improving their communication, for example by eliminating bad habits such as constantly interrupting the other partner or speaking too much and not giving the other partner a chance to respond. In addition, where the couple has been reluctant or too busy to face the underlying issues that are causing problems in their marriage, counselling can serve as a platform where these issues can finally be confronted.

 
Another important way marriage counselling can be helpful in strengthening the relationship is:

• To help create a more realistic picture of who each partner really is rather than whom the other partner wants him or her to be. This can go a long way in settling misunderstandings and avoiding miscommunications. It is certainly a lot easier to find common ground if the spouses are aware of and respect each other’s desires and motivations.

 

• Marriage counselling also offers couples a way to stay accountable to each other. Learning new tools will only help if these tools are put into practice and take the place of previous, unhealthy habits. Counsellors will often assign homework to the couple in an effort to create patterns that stand the test of time.

 
When Is Marriage Counselling Effective?
 
Like any other type of counselling, spouses must be willing to undergo marriage counselling. Ideally they must have decided for themselves that, instead of throwing in the towel, they wish to work on the marriage and address the problems that have arisen. Furthermore spouses must have realistic expectations with regard to the counselling process. A marriage cannot be saved overnight and it will take a couple of sessions to really get into the couple’s dynamics and initiate the process of change.
 
Let me help you – contact me NADINE on nadine@nadinetherapy.co.za or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.

Counselling Therapist informs residents on the correct ways to cope with the Covid-19 epidemic and national lockdown.
 
In this stressful time of isolation one can’t help but wonder how one will cope, especially mentally.
 
Being isolated and uncertain can be a scary experience, especially for those who have to cope being on their own for 21 days.
 
Nadine van Rensburg, counselling therapist suggested ways for residents to cope with the Covid-19 pandemic and national lockdown.
 
“During self-isolation, expect to go through many different emotional stages such as optimism, determination, satisfaction and frustration, depression, anger, acceptance, making meaning and finally anticipation,” Nadine stated.
 
Entering the first couple of days of lockdown, one will experience the optimism of finally getting to all the side projects you’ve been wanting to work on, or improve a certain skill, or maybe take up that hobby. After a while some will experience determination to push through the lockdown, which is followed by the feeling of frustration. Feeling frustrated can easily give rise to feelings of demotivation, hopelessness or despair, and slipping into depression. As humans we tend to deal with depression by experiencing anger, which leads to venting. After releasing the frustration we accept the situation and try to let go of what you can’t control, and remember the meaning of self-isolation.
 
“The social distancing, quarantine measures, school closures and working from home have increased the number of stressors that people have to cope with. For people with pre-existing mental-health issues, this time could be extremely difficult, especially those who had been able to find a good equilibrium, but now find a re-emergence of symptoms,” she explained.
 
One way of coping, she explained, is to have a getting-started routine or a morning routine that allows you to transition psychologically into work mode. “For those working from home, try to stick to a schedule or regular work hours – start and end work each day around the same time, and go to bed and wake up at the same time.”
 
It’s helpful to try and avoid the cause of distress, meaning anything related to Covid-19 as this can help set the mind at ease and allow it to settle down again. Otherwise, we’re constantly triggering the mind into a state of worry. When you do seek information and updates on the pandemic, do so at specific times and from trusted sources.
 
When you are dealing with anxiety, note and acknowledge the uncertainty and anxiety as they arise in your mind. “Pause! Don’t react as you normally do. Don’t react at all. Pause and breathe. Pull back. Tell yourself: this is just the worry talking, and this need for certainty is not helpful and not necessary. It is only a thought or a feeling. Don’t believe everything your mind tells you. Thoughts are not statements of facts. They are just thoughts,” she explained.
 
Sometimes, when people have no choice but to be around people they normally would do anything they could to avoid, there can be a slight shift in the dynamic and more accommodations made on each side, or more effort to be on your best behaviour. “In a family system, if even one person makes the tiniest of changes the way they behave, it will have a ripple effect on the rest of the family. My advice would be to try to make a small change in behaviour or in the way you respond, as you’ll typically find that others have no choice but to respond differently too.”
 
This is also the time to nurture friendships and reach out to old friends that you haven’t caught up with in a long time. Set up group video chats. This can be anything from just a check-in with everyone, to virtual happy hours, to playing games online. Invest in strengthening your existing relationships and support systems.
 
This can make us aware that there is meaning in suffering while we discover our perseverance, persistence and strength while seeking our purpose during this challenging time. “We are left with a beautiful choice of our attitude towards this epidemic, while we can live out our creativity based on our attitudinal choice,”she concluded.
 
I am trained to assist you work through these issues and experience the joy and happiness of life. Contact me at nadine@nadinetherapy.co.za or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website at www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
 
Credit: Roodepoort Record​

​Can't get that girl or guy out of your head? Daydreaming about the person when you should be working? Imagining your futures together? These dizzying thoughts may be signs of love.
 
In fact, scientists have pinned down exactly what it means to "fall in love." Researchers have found that an in-love brain looks very different from one experiencing mere lust, and it's also unlike a brain of someone in a long-term, committed relationship. And there are tell-tale signs that you're in love.
 
Thinking this one's special
When you're in love, you begin to think your beloved is unique. The belief is coupled with an inability to feel romantic passion for anyone else.
 
Focusing on the positive
People who are truly in love tend to focus on the positive qualities of their beloved, while overlooking his or her negative traits. They also focus on trivial events and objects that remind them of their loved one, daydreaming about these precious little moments and mementos.
 
Emotional instability
As is well known, falling in love often leads to emotional and physiological instability. You bounce between exhilaration, euphoria, increased energy, sleeplessness, and loss of appetite, trembling, a racing heart and accelerated breathing, as well as anxiety, panic and feelings of despair when your relationship suffers even the smallest setback.
 
Emotional dependency
People in love regularly exhibit signs of emotional dependency on their relationship, including possessiveness, jealousy, fear of rejection, and separation anxiety.
 
Feelings of empathy
People who are in love generally feel a powerful sense of empathy toward their beloved, feeling the other person's pain as their own and being willing to sacrifice anything for the other person.
 
Aligning interests
Falling in love is marked by a tendency to reorder your daily priorities and/or change your clothing, mannerisms, and habits or values so that they better align with those of your beloved.
 
Unfortunately, being in love usually doesn't last forever. It's an impermanent state that either evolves into a long-term, co-dependent relationship that psychologists call "attachment," or it dissipates, and the relationship dissolves. If there are physical or social barriers inhibiting partners from seeing one another regularly — for example, if the relationship is long-distance — then the "in love" phase generally lasts longer than it would otherwise.
 
I am trained to assist you to keep your relationship on track, keep your feelings alive and to experience the joy and happiness of a connected relationship. Contact me at nadine@nadinetherapy.co.za or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website at www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
 
Nadine van Rensburg is a counselling therapist specializing in marriage counselling & coaching, couples counselling, pre-marital and family counselling.

​Many of you have probably heard complaints from your partner about “not feeling connected.” If you have not spent some time considering your own emotional needs, you may have no idea of what s/he is talking about. Here I will address three basic questions: What does it mean to feel connected? How do two people get disconnected? What can be done to minimize the problem of disconnection?
 
What does it mean to "feel connected"?
 
 Basically, feeling connected means feeling in touch with someone who cares about us. Most people acknowledge that children need to feel a safe attachment to an adult who cares for them. The reality is that adults also need a secure attachment to another adult. Each of us has an innate need to feel safely attached to another person who will be there in our times of physical or emotional need. When we enter into a committed relationship, this need actually intensifies due to the hope that this one special person will consistently be there for us. Specifically, we hope that this one adult will meet our emotional needs in three ways.
 
1. Can I get your attention when I need it? When I ask for your attention, can you be available to me? Can you listen to what I am saying? Am I a top priority to you? To sum up, are you accessible to me?
 
2. Can you comfort me when I am anxious, sad, lonely, or afraid? Will you make some effort to comfort me in those situations? In other words, are you responsive to me?
 
3. Do you care about my well-being even when we are not together? I need to know that you care about my joys, hurts, and fears. Will you care about me consistently and reliably? Are we truly engaged in each other’s lives?
 
How do two people get disconnected?
 
Often the offending partner is not even aware of the behaviour that led to a loss of connection or the threat to secure attachment. It is not humanly possible to stay constantly tuned in to your partner’s emotional needs. Even if you are both trying to be attentive, you may miss each other’s signals about sensing detachment.
 
For example, Susan became accustomed to getting an affectionate hug from Tom every evening before going to sleep. When the hug went missing for several nights in a row, she began to feel a disconnection from him. It seemed to her that he had stopped feeling affection for her, which signalled to her that their attachment was no longer secure. This triggered a deep fear in Susan. Tom missed the signals of her emotional distress and was unable to reassure her of his commitment before they spiralled down into an argument about “how cold and unloving he was.”
 
All couples have instances of emotional disconnection. Many times, these lead to complaints, defensive reactions, and heated arguments.
 
What can we do to minimize the distress and the arguments that usually result?
 
Here are three steps involved in avoiding the arguments that result from disconnection: 1. Become aware of the patterns of your arguments, 2. identify emotional triggers that lead you and your partner to feel the loss of connection, and 3. learn to ask for and to provide comfort. 
 
1. Many arguments fall into recognizable patterns. For example, Susan stops receiving hugs and files a complaint to Tom. She feels disconnected due to the loss of affection, but rather than saying that, she tells him that he is “not affectionate enough.” Tom defends himself; he has been preoccupied lately and caught up in his own thoughts at night. Susan then feels further disconnected because she has filed her complaint and is still not getting what she needs – a sign of his ongoing love for her. Her increased frustration quickly escalates to anger because now she feels “not heard” or “ignored.” Her increased anger leads Tom to shut down emotionally, hoping that somehow her anger will stop if he does not react to it. This strategy fails, of course. It is no more effective (or advised) to ignore a distressed spouse than it is to ignore a distressed child. Both need comfort and reassurance.
 
It is critical to recognize the pattern of arguments between partners and to see them for what they really are: pleas for a sign that the other person cares.
 
2. Each of us has emotional triggers that cause our innate fear of abandonment to spike. Partners unintentionally hurt each other’s emotional raw spots. When we learn to identify these sensitivities in ourselves and in each other, we can make an effort to avoid them.
 
3. The final step sounds simple but may take a lot of practice. We often have misguided ideas about how to get our emotional needs met. Too often, we expect a partner to know what we’re feeling and what type of comfort we need. This is unrealistic. Susan might have simply asked Tom for a hug when she needed some affection from him. A second hurdle to getting through step 3 is the fact that many of us were raised with messages such as “Don’t express feelings,” “Don’t be vulnerable,” or “Don’t let them see you cry.” We may have even been ridiculed for having feelings. These types of messages must be seen as preventing two loving adults from expressing the need for comfort from each other. The better message to tell yourself is: Have courage, and trust that your partner loves you. S/he wants the connection as much as you do. There may be times when the other person's attention is focused upon other matters, but be patient and reach out in a loving way.
 
I am trained to assist you work through these challenges and experience the joy and happiness of a connected relationship. Contact me at nadine@nadinetherapy.co.za or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website at www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
 
(Note that the names used for the sample therapy couples are fictional.)
 
Nadine van Rensburg is a counselling therapist specializing in marriage counselling & coaching, couples counselling and family counselling.

​The month of October has been declared Mental Health Awareness Month with the objective of not only educating the public about mental health but also to reduce the stigma and discrimination that people with mental illness are often subjected to.
 
Mental health refers to our cognitive, behavioural, and emotional wellbeing - it is all about how we think, feel, and behave. Mental health can affect daily life, relationships, and even physical health. Mental health also includes a person's ability to enjoy life - to attain a balance between life activities and efforts to achieve psychological resilience.
 
The World Health Organisation stresses that mental health "is not just the absence of mental disorder." Experts say we all have the potential to develop mental health problems, no matter how old we are, whether we are male or female, rich or poor, or which ethnic group we belong to.
 
Mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse and job stress are common, affecting individuals, their families and co-workers, and the broader community. In addition, they have a direct impact on workplaces through increased absenteeism, reduced productivity, and increased costs. Very few South Africans seek treatment for their mental disorders. When we experience mental health challenges, all aspects of our life can be affected. If we are experiencing stress at home this will affect our work performance, and if we are stressed at work, we often bring this back home.
 
Mental health problems are the result of a complex interplay between biological, psychological, social and environmental factors. There are various ways people with mental health problems might receive treatment. It is important to know that what works for one person may not work for another; this is especially the case with mental health. Some strategies or treatments are more successful when combined with others. A patient with a chronic mental disorder may choose different options at different stages in their life.
 
Treatments can include psychotherapy, medication and self-help strategies.
The great news is that mental illness can be changed into mental health. Once a mental challenge has been identified it can be treated and managed and life can be fulfilling and happy. Too many people go through life without seeking help. Life can be better!
I am trained to assist you work through these issues and experience the joy and happiness of life. Contact me at nadine@nadinetherapy.co.za or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website at www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
 
Credit: sadag.org, gov.za, www.medicalnewstoday.com  

From violence and sexual abuse to gender pay gaps and restrictive reproductive rights, women and girls continue to face obstacles in achieving equality. Although much progress has been made in the last few years with women’s rights, there are still huge disparities between men and women both in the workplace and at home.
 
The world over women faces very similar challenges. There is the issue of patriarchy, pay gaps, balancing work and children, access to education, employment opportunities, reproductive health, gender-based violence, genital mutilation and basic gender equality.
 
Women business owners and working women face certain unique challenges and obstacles that men do not. Working women who have children experience even more demands on time, energy and resources, and women face gender discrimination in business and on the job. But women are not less successful than men, in fact, statistics show that women are starting businesses at more than twice the rate of all other businesses. Women are resourceful, and able to succeed, despite many challenges.
 
When more women work, economies grow. Women’s economic empowerment boosts productivity increases economic diversification and income equality in addition to other positive development outcomes.
 
Increasing women’s and girls’ educational attainment contributes to women’s economic empowerment and more inclusive economic growth. Education, upskilling and re-skilling over the life course are critical for women’s and girl’s health and wellbeing, as well as their income-generation opportunities and participation in the formal labour market. But, for most women, significant gains in education have not translated into better labour market outcomes.
 
Here is some of the challenges women face on a daily basis:

• Having to be “nice” and “kind” always
• Been told that they are too “blunt” or “aggressive.”
• Been called “hostile” for standing up for themselves
• Been told they can’t do things because they are women
• Been told they are bossy
• People surprised at ambition/drive for success
• High rates of sexual assault
• Sexual abuse/degradation
• Rape culture
• Human trafficking
• Unequal pay for the same job
• People discounting their opinions
• Lack of respect
• Criticism for working outside the home and being “career-minded”
• Criticism on the right way to be a mother
• The Glass ceiling effect
• Been faced with a lack of respect as business professionals
• Too much emphasis on looks
• Lack of role models (especially minorities)

 
If you experience any of these challenges, let me assist you in building up confidence within yourself and how to address these issues. Contact me on nadine@nadinetherapy.co.za or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
 
Credit: www.globalcitizen.org; soldaderacoffee.com; www.iol.co.za

Divorce is generally a stressful and unsettling event. At minimum, a major relationship is ending, all sorts of routines are upset, and during the stress of transition there are legal hoops to jump through before things can be resolved. Add in the volatile emotions that are frequently associated with divorce and you have a difficult situation indeed.
 
Divorce can trigger all sorts of unsettling, uncomfortable and frightening feelings, thoughts and emotions, including grief, loneliness, depression, despair, guilt, frustration, anxiety, anger, and devastation, to name a few. There is frequently sadness and grief at the thought of the end of a significant relationship. There can be fear of being single again, possibly for a long time (or even forever), and with having to cope with changed financial, living and social circumstances. There can be anger at a partner's stubborn obstinacy and pettiness, abuse, or outright betrayal. There can be guilt over perceived failures to have made the relationship work. There can be overwhelming depression at the thought of the seeming impossibility of being able to cope with all the changes that are required. Any and all these emotions are enough to make people miserable, and to find them wanting to cry at 3am in the morning.
 
Painful as they are, these sorts of emotions are generally natural grief-related reactions to a very difficult life-altering situation. Though there is no 'cure' for these feelings, there are some good and healthy ways to cope with them to suffer as little as possible, and to gain in wisdom, compassion and strength from having gone through the experience. The emotional coping process starts with allowing one's self the freedom to grieve and ends with moving on with one's life.
 
Grief is a natural human reaction to loss. Grief is not a simple emotion itself, but rather is an instinctual emotional process that can invoke all sorts of emotional reactions as it runs its course.
 
Fighting grief is often counterproductive. Most of the time it is best to allow yourself to grieve in the ways that come naturally to you, at least part of the time. Eventually life comes back to 'normal' and the intensity of loss retreats. Different people take different amounts of time to go through their grief process and express their grief with different intensities of emotion. The amount of time people spend grieving depends on their personalities, and on the nature of their losses.
 
Contact me to help work through your separation or divorce - nadine@nadinetherapy.co.za or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
 
Credit: mentalhelp.net

Going through a separation or divorce can be very difficult, no matter the reason for it. It can turn your world upside down and make it hard to get through the workday and stay productive. But there are things you can do to get through this difficult adjustment.
 
Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
 
Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a while. Take time to heal, regroup and re-energize.
 
Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.
 
Take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Be good to yourself and to your body. Take time out to exercise, eat well and relax. Keep to your normal routines as much as possible. Try to avoid making major decisions or changes in life plans. Don’t use alcohol, drugs or cigarettes to cope; they only lead to more problems.
 
Avoid power struggles and arguments with your former spouse. If a discussion begins to turn into a fight, calmly suggest that you both try talking again later and either walk away or hang up the phone.
 
Take time to explore your interests. Reconnect with things you enjoy doing. Have you always wanted to take up painting or play on a sports team? Sign up for a class, invest time in your hobbies, volunteer, and take time to enjoy life and make new friends.
 
Think positively. Easier said than done, right? Things may not be the same, but finding new activities and friends, and moving forward with reasonable expectations will make this transition easier. Be flexible. Life will get back to normal, although “normal” may be different from what you had originally hoped.
 
Contact me to help work through your separation or divorce - nadine@nadinetherapy.co.za or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
 
Credit: mentalhealthamerica.net

​​“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake.” - Francis Bacon Sr.

Isn’t it a shame? 
You’ve studied and worked hard to get to where you are.
You’ve succeeded.
And you got that job.
But now, it just doesn’t feel right.
So how do you access your courage and do what you love? 

Some things to think about:
Choose to live by design instead of by default
Take a step back and look at what kind of life you truly want to live. Does it look like the one you’re living today?  Don’t settle for mediocrity or life by default. 
Fear regret rather than failure
Failing means you tried and learned something. Regret, on the other hand, comes as a response to what hasn’t happened. It’s an ugly emotion that usually doesn’t show up until it’s already too late.
Let happiness be the key to success
Studies prove that happiness fuels success and performance, not the other way around. Creating a life around what makes you happy is the key to living a truly successful life.
Come back to the present moment
Worrying about the future doesn’t change anything; instead, it hinders you from making the best of this moment. Here and now is all we ever have. It’s the only place where we have control.
Trust that you have a gift to offer
You have something special only you can offer this world.
Connect with like-minded people
Connect with people that are on a similar journey to yours. Build a support network, in person and online.
Take risks for what you will gain long-term
Sometimes we need to take risks and make short-term sacrifices for what will serve us long-term. 
Just think about this. Staying in an unfulfilling job means taking a greater risk since you already know it’s not what you want. So, you risk more by not taking risks.
Know that the timing is never right
The time will never come when all the conditions are right. 
Trust that the path will unfold
What’s scary in following your dream is that the path is unclear. Stepping off the beaten path means that you can’t see a straight road in sight.
Make uncomfortable the new comfortable
When we want something we don’t have, we must do things we haven’t done before. And that means becoming uncomfortable.
Nurture faith, not fear.
Live by Choice Instead of Chance
Wouldn’t you rather live life by choice instead of chance? Wouldn’t you rather look back and know that you did everything you could to create the life you desire instead of wishing you’d had? Wouldn’t you rather take a chance on faith instead of fear?

Contact me to help you fly –nadine@nadinetherapy.co.za or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.

Credit: tinybuddha.com

​Since we were kids we've heard, "Don't quit your job until you have a new one!" We've heard it a million times. We learned that you can't just walk off the job one day because you're sick of it or because something unpleasant happens at work.
 
When you can manage a stealth job search and walk into your boss' office to give notice knowing that you have another job to go to, it's a wonderful thing. Real life doesn't always work out that way, though.
 
Some people are so burnt out by their jobs that they aren't in shape to job-hunt. They don't have their feet under them. Their mojo is completely gone. It's hard enough to drag yourself into your workplace when you hate your job and hate yourself for being there.
 
You must listen to your body. Your body is smarter about these things than your mind is!
 
Think about the issues below related to your current job:
 
Safety
Your safety comes before any other priority. If it's not safe for you to be at your job, you must get out, even if it puts your finances in a terrible spot.
 
Health
Your health is more important than the continuity of your career history. If your job is making you sick, physically or otherwise, you may have to quit the job before you're strong and collected enough to job-hunt effectively. Some toxic workplaces keep everybody in fear, all the time. You may need to quit the job, take a breather and start your job search later.
 
Lifeline
When your job is destroying your equilibrium, you may not be able to wait to quit until you have a solid, career-type job lined up. You may jump at anything that looks like a lifeline - or even a life preserver!
 
Inertia
Don't let anybody, however well-meaning, tell you to "stick it out" at a job that is harmful to your health. Your body knows best. Mother Nature is in charge, not us! If you can launch a quiet job search and get a new job before you quit the old one, excellent! That's a magnificent plan. If you can't, then don't berate yourself. Your body knows what's best for you. If you need to quit the job you've got in order to remember who you are and take a little time to regroup, do that.
 
Discuss where you are in your job with me –nadine@nadinetherapy.co.za or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
 
Credit: forbes.com