Managing Stress In a New Marriage
 
The word newly-weds is synonymous with a happy, joyful and pleasant couple. Where you and your partner are meant to be head over heels in love with one another and seen to be gliding through love. But with any relationship that requires human interaction, stresses will arise, internally and externally. Here is how newlyweds can navigate through stress:

• Communicate – The best way to get to know someone is to keep in constant communication with them. Communicate the good, the bad, the ugly and the strange. This skill will assist you in tough times when talking is the last thing you want to do.
• Don’t take it personally – Chances are, if you have agreed to marry your partner, you’ve taken time to get to know them and the likelihood of them being malicious towards you are slim. So, try not to take their feedback personally.
• Teamwork makes the dream work - Acknowledge the fact that the situation is stressful, but that neither you nor your partner is to blame and that the primary objective is to resolve the situation and not blame each other.
• Practice compassion - Realise that both you and your partner are doing the very best you can at this precise moment. 
• Not every problem will have a solution - Look for an answer to the problem if possible, but realise some problems don’t have easy, obvious solutions. If there was an easy answer, you would have already done it!
• Cheer each other on – A good ice breaker in a stressful situation can be words of admiration and appreciation. Compliment your partner on their outfit for the day or the yummy dinner you enjoyed even during this stressful time. This will sure make them smile and defuse the situation, bringing you closer to a resolution.
• Choose each other over the situation – The stress lays with the situation at hand and not with each other. Be mindful to focus your energy on the situation and not personal attacks on each other.
• Aim to resolve, not to continue – Try not to prolong the stress by unpacking layers that aren’t linked to the matter at hand. If you are stressed about a bill your partner forgot to pay, don’t bring other issues from the past. Fight clean!

 
Keeping Your Marriage Alive With the HELP of Counselling
 
Counselling can be very hard on a marriage; it can first expose the cracks and hidden truths about you or your partner and thus impact your daily lives before starting the healing and fulfilling process. While it is important and beneficial for couples to undergo therapy and to complete the cycle, it is important to not take your problems home, but rather practice the solutions at home.  Here are solutions you can practice to keep your marriage alive while undergoing counselling:
 
•        Feedback – Post a therapy session, both partners can be left feeling embarrassed, betrayed, shocked or disappointed. Instead of leaving the issues outside of the therapist’s door, why not unpack it at home once you have both calmed down. Take some time out to digest it separately and don’t go to bed without sharing your feedback to one another.
•        10 things I love about you – In the height of intense therapy sessions, jot down 10 things you love and appreciate about your partner and keep this list around you. In a time of doubt, go back to the list and it will keep you calm and remind you why you are working through your issues.
•        Date night – Schedule a weekly date night and rotate who is in charge of the booking. At the date night, no phones or distractions allowed. No need to discuss pertinent issues from therapy, treat these evenings as casual dates to catch up each other.
•        Engage other couples – Identify another couple whose energy you admire, a couple who is open about their journey and willing to be there for you in good times and bad. Check in often with this couple, even in good times to merely share experiences. Sometimes it takes an external viewpoint to help you appreciate what you have.
•        Revisit the places where you first fell in love – Revisiting the places and people that evoked your love will warm your heart as you remember activities linked to that specific place. This should bring joy to the both of you and help lessen the tension.
•        Laugh when you can - Nurturing your sense of humour can be another great asset in learning to embrace the ups and downs. Try saying something out of character to shake things up a bit. Because you share the same values and stand for the same things, perhaps the absurdity will help the situation.
 
Contact me to help work through your marital challenges - [email protected] or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.

​The month of love - a time for love letters, red roses, chocolates, and marriage proposals! But let’s remember marriage is more than just the wedding. Some ideas about marriage to discuss with your partner before crossing the threshold:
 
Marriage Is a Covenant, Not a Contract
Western societies make the individual’s happiness the ultimate value, and so marriage becomes primarily an experience of romantic fulfilment. Getting married these days is like having a relationship with your internet service provider. “As long as you keep providing the internet, I’ll keep paying.” Far too often we treat marriage the same - a formal contract based on happiness or some legal benefit.
 
A covenant however is not a legal contract that lays out terms, but a mutual understanding that regardless of performance, you’re still all in. It’s a love that understands that the essence of marriage is a sacrificial commitment to the good of the other. It unites not just duty and passion, but emotions and promise.
 
Marriage Will Intensify Your Problems, Not Fix Them
Marriage puts all your problems under a microscope and intensifies them. Once the mental switch of “forever” comes into the mix more flaws pop up - that’s the perfect storm.
 
Far too often we think by spending enough time with another person those inconsistencies and flaws will get smoothed out. But once you realise you might have to deal with them forever? It’s easy to get cynical, bitter, jaded, and angry. The person you marry at the altar that day will be the same person forty years from now, so don’t delude yourself. Sure, improvement is necessary for any relationship to thrive, but those flaws you’re ignoring and think you might change, or marriage will somehow fix – think again. 
 
So, if you walk into a marriage thinking little things won’t become big things, or you don’t learn how to compromise and communicate, failure is around the corner and waiting.
 
Get Your Issues Together Before You Get Married, Because You’re Past Will Come Back to Haunt You
Learn about yourself. Grow. If you have issues plaguing you, then spend the time dealing with them - before getting married! The amount of conflict and grief you’ll save yourself will be worth the investment.
 
Premarital counselling is a form of therapy that is provided to couples to prepare them for marriage. This counselling plays a vital role in this preparation. It is provided with the aim of helping couples have strong and healthy relationships, thereby giving them a greater chance of enjoying a stable as well as satisfying marriage.
 
Getting premarital counselling is a great way for partners to enhance their ability to communicate and establish realistic expectations from one another. It’s also an excellent way to develop conflict-resolution skills.
 
Often, people get married believing that it will fulfil their emotional, financial, social, and sexual needs – and it does not turn out as they had expected.
When differences and expectations are discussed before marriage, the couple can develop ways to understand as well as support each other after they are married. Early intervention is crucial because the risk of divorce is normally at greatest early in marriage.
 
Benefits of Premarital Counselling:
You gain insight –When two people are in love, they often overlook those things that they ultimately have to face when married. Premarital counselling can shed light on these issues and help the couple solve them before it takes them by surprise.
 
You strengthen communication skills – Good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. Without communication, there’s nothing to hold the relationship together and help it function smoothly. Counselling is a great way to help couples strengthen their communication skills.
 
You understand each other’s major triggers – Identifying the “push buttons” you and your partner are most sensitive about is an important step toward avoiding and overcoming the personal triggers.
 
You identify potential conflicts – No two people believe or have completely similar ideas regarding life in general. It is important to identify any potential conflicts before they even occur.
 
You establish shared vision – To have a successful marriage, you need to have a a shared vision you and your partner both have expressed to each other. The vision is a conscious and deliberate way to create your relationship together towards your destination.
 
Too often couples get so tangled up in spending time planning the perfect wedding, that they fail to address issues that would serve as a foundation of their marriage later on. Yet, for many couples, pre-marital counselling is a positive, affirming and bonding experience that enhances their commitment to marry.
 
Contact me to help work through your personal challenges in your married or for pre-marital counselling – starting off on the right foot- [email protected] or on 084 779 4889. Visit my website on www.nadinetherapy.co.za.
 
Credit: heartsupport.com and spiral2grow.com